It's been a while since I last posted. Normally I wouldn't preface a post with that (it drives me crazy when I read it elsewhere), but my world changed completely last month when, on March 5th, my mom unexpectedly passed away. I found out the following morning, and things haven't been the same ever since.
Since her death, I've been tossed into the deep-end of estate-management as I try to clean up the remnants of her financial and legal life. It's amazing how much a person leaves behind. There are all sorts of things to clean up like calling her dentist and canceling a pending appointment, or telling the local pharmacy that she won't ever be coming in again to pick up her prescription.
In the last month, I've realized I'm not the same person I used to be. It sounds trite, but this event has given me a serious perspective adjustment. Things that used to seem scary to me now seem insignificant. Things I always wanted to do but put off for some day in the future, get addressed now. Life is short. You never know what can happen.
By nature, my wife and I inveterate planners. My god, I started an IRA when I was 21. Who the hell does that? But now it's time to think more about the present. We haven't completely abandoned our careful planning, but we've stopped putting off things we want to do.
One of those things has been a growing desire to be my own boss. For the longest time I could never imagine running my own show. There was too much work, stress and responsibility. I was happy trading independence for the comfort and security of a steady paycheck. But over the last few years I've been feeling a deep and acute dissatisfaction working for someone else. I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be happy until I stopped working on other people's ideas and took a shot (or two) at working on my own.
So now it's time to stop being so unhappy about it. As of May, I'm on my own. My plan is to build a small product-development company. I don't need to make scads of money, I just want to support my family. I want to work on things that I deeply care about. I want to spend my time doing things that matter to me, and as little time as possible on "shoulds", "musts", and "have-tos". I'll pick up contracting work as needed (tell all your friends), but the long-term plan is to live off of product revenue. I guess some people might call it a "lifestyle business". I call it dropping out of the rat-race and living the life more fully.
How am I going to do this? What's my plan? Beats the hell out of me. I'll figure it out as I go. All I know is that everything I've gone through in the last month has made me realize that it's going to work out fine. There's nothing that could happen that would equal what I've recently gone through.
So what about the title of this post? What exactly am I so thankful for? Well, certainly not about the loss of my mother. Nothing could replace her. Nothing will bring her back. She was my moral compass. She was the greatest teacher I ever had. I didn't really appreciate the tools she left me with until she was gone. Now I realize that she left me with everything I needed to cope with this tragedy as well as being able to move beyond it. I don't know if I would ever have been shaken out of my day-to-day routine without her loss. I wouldn't trade this epiphany for her, but I don't have that option. What I can do is move forward and live a life that honors her memory.
My mom was a survivor. She survived the breakup of my family. She survived cancer. She survived my brother's death. After her divorce she rebuilt her life from scratch, eventually becoming an assistant Dean at the School of Education at the University of Oregon. Her crowning achievement was completion of school's new building on the U of O campus. Over the span of nearly a decade she raised funds from private donors—mostly teachers. But the final dollar amount isn't what's impressive about her work. What's impressive is how she took a group of people, turned them into a community and got them to believe in themselves. Mom, I wish I could have told you just how proud I am of you.
So, mom, this life is for you. You always had a strong independent streak. You didn't get a chance to enjoy the future that you worked so hard for. You gave me so much. The best way I can think to pay it back, is to live the life you would have wanted for me, and to pass that on to my daughter.
Thanks, mom. Thank you, so very much.